Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Do you know how hard it is to do something that you *know* you're supposed to do, but you really don't want to do it? Pretty difficult. I can relate to the Israelites. I am one. I'm a stubborn child of God who knows what she's supposed to do, and consistently decides to do it her own way (which is never the right way) instead. I _know_ God wants me journaling daily. Do you know how many times in the past week I've sat here, pulled up this very page, and then, with a click of the mouse, shut it down? You know what I've done next? Most typically, I've pulled up a game, instead. Good gravy! I've done this before, too. Only this time, I'm not going to let days turn into weeks, and weeks into months. It's got to stop!

Unconfessed sin is typically what does me in. When I've got the burden of unconfessed sin strangling me, I don't want to do what God wants me to do -- because I'll have to confront that sin, lay it before Him, and repent. That can be extremely hard for a prideful person, such as myself, to do. Instead, I leave it unconfessed . . . and wrap the painful truth of God up in some hard material, like an oyster does with a annoying grain of sand. And while pearls are of value to us, it only brings death to the oyster (as someone comes along and pulls the oyster out of its comfort zone, yanks it open, and forcibly removes the pearl). Yuck. I don't want that!

But it's so painful to lay myself open to God -- to expose the rotting, stinking earthly flesh. It's painful and shameful. I think the shame is hardest. God, why? Why do I constantly fail this test? How do I give this to You? How do I allow You to work through this? I don't do the things I want to do, and I do the things I know I'm not supposed to do.

It's come down to whether I choose to believe Satan's lies over God's truth. I can NOT have it all. I can't make my own decisions and choices, and still retain a right relationship with God. Do I trust in God's provision? That's the thing. It's a matter of my wants over God's provision. I've grown up hearing Satan whisper the lie of "you deserve it" and "you should have that" and "if you want it, go for it" and "whatever it takes". It makes me weep to realize how I must break my Father's heart. I need to reflect on this.

Peace.

:)

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