Tuesday, May 25, 2010

please feel no obligation to read any further . . .

I just need to explore some thoughts, get 'em out where I can see them, and hopefully be done with them. Consider this an exercise in purging, so to speak.

With that in mind, know that I don't expect, nor really want, anyone to read any further. I'm not really complaining, and I'm not seeking pity. I just need to stop thinking some things, and type them on out of my system.

I've not slept well since before the accident. Friday night it was the constant activity of nurses and techs coming in through the night, poking here, prodding here. I understand. It's what they have to do. Doesn't make it any easier, though! Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights, I was lucky enough to be home (well, Hunter Road home), and in my own bed, but still sleep doesn't come easily. Unfortunately, it means my best friend and darling husband isn't sleeping well, either, and I don't know how to make that better. Ugh.

Part of my problem is that I was in a car accident, and have all the typical aches and pains that come with that. My forehead feels bruised all the way across, I presume from hitting the airbag. My neck, back, and shoulders are achy, as are my arms and around my waist, where the seat belt cinched me, and both my knees from hitting whatever it was that bruised them up. Just enough to make it difficult to find a comfortable position to lie in. Add the five-pound (I'm guessing) plaster cast and a right foot that I'm very much aware of, and you can probably understand why being comfortable in bed is in my long-range goals!

Part of it is that I close my eyes and relive the accident. From the complete shock of seeing the oncoming car swerve into my lane, to the initial impact and the instant realization that one of my body parts had just broken, to the airbag going off just a split second later (which I'd never experienced before), the whirl of the ride down into the ditch, and finally the car coming to a shuddering halt. It happened in a matter of seconds, I'm sure, but I take a lot longer to replay it in my mind. Ugh. I can't ever make anything different happen, though I've tried and tried.

Then I get to thinking about the other driver. How is he? I rode in the ambulance with him to the hospital, but I'm not sure what the extent of his injuries are. I spent a lot of time praying for him and his family last night; that they would experience the same love and outpouring of support from family, friends, and church family that we have. That his injuries would be mild and he would be able to recover quickly and completely. And then part of me wonders what in the world he was thinking or doing, that made him swerve into oncoming traffic. And does his family know what happened? He told paramedics he didn't know remember anything. Does he blame me? I know, in the scheme of things, it's a petty thought, but it's there nonetheless.

And then I think about the lack of pain that I have in my foot. And it's a triple-edged sword. On the one hand, I feel incredibly blessed that I don't have pain. I haven't taken prescription pain pills since they gave them to me in the hospital on Saturday morning at 9 am. Since then, I've taken ibuprofen and now have moved on to no more than six extra-strength Tylenol per day. If you'd seen my foot, you'd understand how incredible this is. On the other hand, I almost feel like I need to be in pain to justify the fact that I'm relatively helpless -- no driving, no walking, no long-term standing, and folks are bringing us meals. And then I wonder if I've got no pain because the nerve damage is so severe, there's nothing connecting those pain sensors in my foot to the rest of my body. The lack of pain I've felt from the get-go is a source of constant amazement to me. After the initial pain of the injury, my foot burned for about ten minutes. And then it numbed up and I really haven't felt much out of it since, except when they poured peroxide down into the wound to clear it out. I think I may have quoted LOTR at that point and half muttered, half moaned, "It burns us, Precious!" Whatever pain medication they had me on at that point sure didn't cover peroxide!

At the scene of the accident, the early responders and the paramedics kept wanting to know if I'd seen my foot; how could I be so calm and clear-headed when it looked the way it looked. I kept having to reassure them that, yes, I had seen my foot, and I was going to be okay. LOL! Usually the reassuring goes the other way around. I do love not fitting into the status quo!

Then I start to think about what lies ahead. I never (coherently) spoke with the orthopedist who did the surgery. She spoke to Todd & Jocelyn afterward, so what I know is filtered through their re-telling. Since there's way to many scenarios to speculate on, and since it is a 'wait-and-see' game, there's no point in going into it all. This is where the rubber meets the road for me. This is where I have to grab back onto the knowledge that ALL things work to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. It's futile to worry about future *possible* pain and complications because (1) if He so ordains it, then I've got to believe it will bring glory to Him through my life and (2) it's only a potential, worrying about it won't change whether or not it happens, it just gives me a bit of a headache and upset stomach in the here and now. Needlessly!

But I'm not done. Then I think about how I was just starting to enjoy the physical exercise and it and my diet was making a difference. And now there is just not going to be much exercise beyond walking to the bathroom and back to the couch. And I promise you, this is exertion. But will it be enough? I don't want to put on more pounds because I'm couch bound. I'll have to be so extra-special-careful to get lots of water and to push away all the sweets that well-meaning folks deliver. In fact, I had Todd carry them away from my couch station, and to the kitchen, so that if I really wanted to get a sweet, I'd have to get up and exert myself for it. Yeah. It's all I can do to make it to the bathroom. Forget the kitchen.

And I also worry about the good leg. Can it handle all the stress of carrying around the weight of my body by itself? My knees were already feeling arthritis. Is this just going to spiral my good leg into faster bouts of that mess? Another worry I just need to let go of and let God figure out. Of course, my past actions play into it to . . . I've made such poor eating/exercise choices for so long, that I'm going to reap the consequences for some of that now. *sigh*

And I dread taking a shower. I know I need one today, but it's such a chore. Getting back there, bagging up the leg, getting into the chair in the tub, trying to wash my hair and face and everything sitting down with my back to the shower head. Then getting out of the tub and trying to dry off, dry my hair and get dressed . . . it's exhausting! Especially since I can't stand alone on that left leg for too long without it bothering me.

Okay. I'm done. This was a catharsis, and now I feel better. I hope you didn't feel the need to read all of this, but if you did, go back to the first two paragraphs and please understand that this was a means to an end; an exercise in hopefully expunging it from my brain!

And I do feel better. I needed to be reminded of the Father's faithfulness. I needed (and will probably need in the future) to be reminded that I am held by an all-powerful Lord who is omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent, and I'll just let my awe of Him dazzle all that other petty stuff. He's got this one.

I'm so grateful!


7 left a comment . . .:

Cathy Shepherd said...

Sometimes, there is a huge disconnect between knowing something with our heads, and knowing it to the bottom of our beings, so that it fills our lives and our souls. Sometimes, it's like the wiring got cut off, and needs to be rerun through another route. Doesn't mean that it isn't there, and it will come back, stronger and more vital than before. It sounds like you are going through what is known as "post traumatic stress disorder". Added to that is grief at the loss of health and independence, and the fear that it won't get better. All of which is what you should be experiencing. The difference is in how we deal with those emotions, not whether or not we have them. Joseph, when thrown into the pit by his brothers, when sold into Egypt, when thrown into prison, most likely experienced all these emotions, too. Our emotions, by themselves, are not wrong or sinful. It is what we do with them, and how we react to them that can lead us to sin. Even our Lord cried out to have the burden and pain removed, but then surrendered to the Father's will. By posting this message, you have given all your brothers and sisters who read it the opportunity to agree among themselves, and pray for your healing, and, more important, that will KNOW, to the depth of your being, the love and support of our Father and Saviour in heaven. To KNOW, without a doubt, that He will never leave you or forsake you, and the truth behind the saying that all things do indeed work for good, even if we can't see it. Joseph had no idea, at the time, what God was doing in his life, and must have wondered how good could come from being in prison. Yet, God used it for tremendous good. Use this time of forced inactivity, if you can, to learn more of our Lord. We are praying for you.

Pat said...

I did read it and it is logical to me all the things that you are feeling. I am glad that putting it all down "on paper" (so to speak) has helped you to feel better. I know that works for me.

Sewing Junkie said...

Take each day as it comes. And each day things will be better. The nightmares will go away and the pain will be there especially after the cast is off, but it sounds like you can tolerate it well. Start a hand sewing project and keep yourself busy and your mind will heal. Take Care Chris

Mama Pea said...

Sorry to hear about your accident, and yes, I agree it can be helpful and cathartic to get it all out. My husband was in a small plane accident a few years back and is still struggling with some things. Hang in there. You sound like a really strong person and you have appropriate ways of dealing with things. You are very thoughtful to be thinking so much about the other individual who was also in the accident. In the end, perhaps there are some good things that will come out of this...you just can't see them now...

Kat said...

Good for you for typing this out and getting it out of your head! I think all your worries are totally valid, under the circumstances. But, as you said, God has it all in his hands :-) Try to channel your worries about weight and exercise into good eating choices and maybe some upper body exercises once the soreness fades. Also, try not to put too much stock in your lack of pain and just be grateful. Everyone handles pain differently. I've had several surgeries and injuries and never needed pain medication (fortunate since I'm allergic to most of it.) I know you've probably heard this before, but worrying won't change the outcome, just your mood at the present. So, all this to say, I don't think you're whiny or overreacting at all. You deserve to treat yourself and be pampered while you rest and heal. God bless you, I hope you heal quickly and everything works out!

Bethany said...

Was just going through Quilter Blogs and came across your post. I'm so sorry about your accident.

It's normal to rerun the accident over and over. Even 13 years later after having my first gran mal seizure while pregnant, I still run it over and over in my mind. I thank God that I only fell between the toilet and sink and that my baby was okay. It's been a blessing and a curse and I've had to have patience with epilepsy's limitations.

I hurt my back while quilt basting in February which has resulted in physical therapy and needing a chiropractor. I understand the pain/agony of having a shower. The wrong move and I could land on the floor in pain. Bathrooms are not my favorite place. LOL.

Hang in there. It's taken time to heal my back and it's been so frustrating to not be able to do the things I enjoy. Physical therapy was so painful and I often hid my tears from everyone. It's been a slow ride getting through this but I promise it gets easier.

God will help you get through this. I promise. He helped me get through the diagnosis of epilepsy and with my back. You'll go through the stages of grieving as well. Don't be scared to do it. I really think it's God's way of healing our emotional wounds.

Good luck and I hope things work out. :)

Sequana said...

Everyone else said wonderful things......but let me just make a practical suggestion.

I have a chair in my shower, and I have a hand-held shower head. Get one of those, and you can sit facing the faucets and things are so much more relaxing.

It's great to still be alive, isn't it?